My personal journey as a twin flame runner has been about moving forward through anxiety, depression, and self-hatred. I could feel that something was wrong but could never pin-point what it was. My chakras felt like blank walls to me; whenever I attempted to sense them I’d just get bounced back, as if some part of me was refusing to let me look at the issues. It has been an incredible process that started when I began to look at my past lives, at first through dowsing and then through clairvoyance. From there, it led to me examining present life issues that I had hidden away from myself, things I wasn’t even close to being ready to acknowledge.
Growing up I dealt with emotional, mental, and verbal abuse coming from many different sources. I was an odd kid who never fit in well. I couldn’t seem to understand the social rules and expectations that were heaped upon me; instead I just always wanted to do my own thing. I was called fat and selfish and worthless. I guess in the end I agreed with it all. Why would anyone say these things if they weren’t true?
You may not realize it but you end up carrying all the wounds you acquired from childhood. Every time someone says they are ashamed of you, you don’t measure up, you’re not good enough, and you have to earn their love it erodes your self perception. Couple this with past lives where you were disrespected, shut down, abused, or tortured and the issue compounds itself. That’s when you truly believe you are undeserving of ever being loved. It got so bad for me that my heart chakra completely jammed up, and the more spiritually aware I became the more I could feel the effect of it. It was like a solid block and energy could not move through it at all.
I distrusted others and felt like everyone was harboring a secret hatred of me. I waited for those around me to “admit” I wasn’t measuring up and to throw me out or rip into me. I was distant and closed myself off to others. The concept of love as a feeling was foreign to me even though I understood it conceptually (though skeptically). It was difficult, if not impossible, to describe my emotions or at times even feel them. I never understood the source of my emotions but was plagued with this ill feeling of anxiety and depression. However, the worst part of it came to a head when I met my twin flame.
The anatomy of a twin flame runner
A few years ago, I began talking with my twin in spirit at the urging of my higher self. At first I wasn’t sure how to feel about the connection. We talked about our shared life in the 1880s that by all accounts remained unfinished business. I couldn’t map my feelings to specific events or circumstances at the time, but I reacted so strongly to our conversations that eventually I just stopped talking to him altogether. I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid and so viciously angry, and I didn’t know how to get past that.
In spirit, he would say he loved me. I hated him for it. I didn’t understand why he was mocking me, why he came all this way just to rub it in my face about how much better off he was without me, how I never mattered. That was what I believed. I thought he only wanted me to think he loved me just so he could tear it away and laugh about how stupid I was for believing that anyone could ever love someone like me. I honestly believed that. I believed the things people said to me out of abuse and anger because I could see how they were true. I sure as hell couldn’t map “I love you” onto anything that had anything to do with me.
As I understood it at the time, my twin would incarnate as my child in this lifetime. That was how it was presented to me by Spirit and I had no reason to think otherwise. One day I was discussing my situation with others in a twin flame runner community when someone had a bit of psychic insight. She said that what I was saying didn’t seem right, that she could see and feel my twin’s energy around me and it felt like physical earth energy. At the time I had no grounds to believe her. But a few months later I had a spontaneous vision of someone sitting on a couch, in modern clothing…and I recognized the energy. It was mine. Was this my twin incarnate?
Months after that experience, through a chain of circumstances that could only be described as divine, I was led to a coffee shop near my house. I met someone there who, at first glance, wouldn’t have garnered my attention. Over time, I gradually became aware of him in an indirect way…through an odd sensation. It felt like when you press two same-polarity sides of a magnet together and there is an invisible but powerful force that keeps them from touching. Almost like an electric fence that you’d bounce off of if you tried touching it.
One day I got curious about this feeling and looked over at him, wondering why I felt so much tension and pressure whenever he was around. When I took the time to really look, I had this feeling of total familiarity, like when you’ve been married to someone for decades. Over the next few months I began having these intense experiences that were primarily clairvoyant in nature. I was able to recall my past lives consciously just by looking at others. So naturally I tried to look into my history with this person to see if I could put a context to all these feelings. What I got was a few past lives we shared, and then I had a most eerie sight looking back at me. A reflection of myself. Of my past lives. Of my twin and I in our 1880s life together.
It was a strange, unnerving sensation. I’ve known about the concept of twin souls and have explored the theory with interest for years. I’d even say I was born with a knowing that this is what I was looking for, to “finish my story” as my guides say. I knew of my twin from my memories of our past life together and then through my conversations, but experiencing anything like it in this life was different. It wasn’t at all what I was expecting. I suppose some people would have been excited or exhilarated. I was angry and terrified. Was this person my twin incarnate?
I couldn’t really speak to him. I’d hover in the background, always nearby but never able to say anything. When I had to talk to him it was all I could do to stammer out one word sentences and keep my voice steady. I was petrified to be around him even though I wanted to be. The whole thing brought on such intense emotions, and I’m quite used to being emotionally controlled. I was losing my composure.
Eventually I had to move, and the fear I had turned into anger, hatred, and confusion. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening to me. I was so angry at him and at Spirit. I didn’t feel like I could talk openly about my clairvoyance, about seeing and feeling him around me, because it wasn’t something that people really understood. I ended up feeling isolated and lonely and further distrusting others and walling them off. There were few people I could really trust. My anxiety and depression got worse than ever.
The process of digging my way out
Over the course of the few years since I met this person, I spent a lot of time berating myself, hating myself, feeling not good enough. Feeling like I deserved to be isolated and worrying about his inevitable scorn and disdain. I went through every thing I hated about myself or thought others hated. My sloppiness. My nerdy hobbies. My skin. The way I walk, the way my voice sounds, the way my hair is always so unruly. My fascination with things no one cares about. My utter obliviousness to things that normal people are expected to focus on. My PTSD and anxiety and the things that are harder for me to deal with than others. My hatred of driving. How picky I am with food. The way I drink my coffee.
Then, one by one, I examined the things I loved and how I was held back from them because of my self-hatred, because of the disgust and shame I was carrying from what others had given me over the years. What was running from the twin flame connection, and myself, really doing for me?
I examined my relationships with my parents and other adults in my life growing up. I realized how much the abuse (whether intentional or unintentional, and it was both) had affected me. How much of that I had carried as a part of my self-identity. When I ran into someone with such an intensely close energetic connection to me, I saw the faces of all the people who had formed my perception of life. I saw all that disgust and shame and disdain and disappointment. So I wholly avoided him and the experiences I was having. I didn’t want anything to do with someone who I sensed could feel the inner me so easily knowing what he’d find there.
But it wouldn’t go away.
It took me a long time to finally realize what I was bringing to this as a twin flame runner. For so long I felt justified in my hatred and anger towards my twin. Something in my core was stopping me from ever feeling the love or any measure of trust for my twin no matter what Spirit told me. As more of our time in the 1880s became apparent to me I figured it had to do with the deeply traumatic things that took place in our past. And yet, as I’d start to heal from each wound, this deep inner hatred remained. I couldn’t face my twin in spirit and I couldn’t face this person in the coffee shop either. I was so afraid they’d tell me how much I deserved to be hated, how awful I really am.
As all runners do, I felt like I meant nothing to my twin, like I’d never matter. It’s too much to bear to think of losing someone so important to you while simultaneously feeling that at any moment they will throw you away for something better. It’s such a liability. If you don’t feel like you deserve love then how could you ever believe someone when they say they love you? You find yourself wanting to make the first move and throw them out because they’re just going to destroy you anyway. Why would anyone want you?
So what happens? Your heart chakra snaps closed and spits poison. You are suspicious and paranoid. The spiritual union you could experience with your twin on an energetic level can’t happen at all. You don’t feel like you’re able to love anyone or feel joy. Everything is dark and murky. You feel like a ghost. And worse, you feel like you deserve to be there.
But here’s the part that my introspection has revealed to me. If you don’t feel like you deserve love, you’ll block it. It’s not that others don’t want to give it to you. It’s that you agreed to let all the worst things define you. You hide from your twin because you don’t want them to see those ugly, terrible things. But when I try to define what is so awful about me, I can’t really explain it. I walk funny? I’m awkward? My hair is a little unruly?
No, other people told me those things. I didn’t tell me those things. Other people decided I wasn’t living up to their standards, and their standards don’t even agree. What matters to me is whether I am living up to my principles and whether I can answer for my actions. I try to live by this value at all times. It may not make me look pretty or be charismatic and social and daring but at least I know that at the end of the day I’ve done what I intended to do and admitted when I haven’t.
Let me sum this up by saying that the twin flame journey for me has been about self-acceptance. It’s been about digging in my closet and finding the most painful and ugly things I’ve carried all this time. It’s about coming to terms with who I am and who I’ve been. It’s about living with the person I’ll always be stuck with–myself. It’s about deciding that I’m okay and I deserve to be loved and accepted and respected. It’s about celebrating my interests and talents and hobbies and creating the things that matter the most to me. It’s about opening to my psychic and spiritual gifts. It’s about being what I am instead of berating myself for what I’m not. Maybe somewhere in there I can find my twin as well and become open to whatever this experience becomes.
Spirit has a funny way of working with you. The person I met in a coffee shop in 2011 changed my life in immeasurable ways. My spiritual gifts awakened in a big way. I made some important life changes. I started looking at all my inner wounds. Bit by bit I was changing the person I was into the person I’m becoming. What did I learn along the way?
Soulmates can mirror your twin flame in many ways, primarily because they match your energy so closely. You may even think they are your twin, especially if you’ve never felt such a strong connection to someone before. But keeping an open mind is important. Perhaps the person you meet is meant to aid you in your journey of self discovery, as my meeting was. I still have a profound energetic connection to the person I met years ago who triggered it all, but my journey was only getting started. My twin reached out to me through a point of energetic similarity (the energy frequency I shared with the person I met) but as fate would have it, there was more to that story. What do I mean by that? Stay tuned.