When are soul connections actually unhealthy connections? And when is an unhealthy connection not a “soul connection”?
I think this line gets blurred pretty easily for people, because we’ve been taught that the more drama, emotional highs and lows, and stress a relationship has, the more exciting and desirable it becomes. And those lists of “how to tell if you’re in a soulmate/twin soul relationship” tend to be full of high-powered language describing how crazy these connections can be and what havoc they can wreak. I think that leads people to draw some conclusions and make the association that soul connection equals devastating or otherwise unhealthy relationship. And that can bring some pretty troubling thought patterns for people who are already in a vulnerable state to begin with.
So let’s start off with one central fact:
Drama and heartache do not define soul connections.
These connections exist on a deep soul level and go beyond our physical lifetimes and 3D experiences. As such, they tend to bring out some of the deepest emotions in us, and these emotions aren’t always pleasant. These connections give us a chance to see ourselves, and at times the sight is difficult to look at. So soul connections can indeed be tumultuous experiences. But, these experiences are geared towards showing us our true selves and while they can be accompanied by growing pains, the goal is more how we can become self-empowered, come into our own strength, and be more in touch with our Divinity. It isn’t about needing the other person or forming overpowering attachments. If your relationship is tearing you down instead of building you up, what you have may not be a healthy relationship, period.
How to tell if a “Soul Connection” is actually an unhealthy relationship dynamic
We’ve all been in an unrequited love situation or had an obsessive crush that maybe went a little too far (well, most of us have). We can probably remember a time when we focused a little too much on someone to the point of neglecting our friends, not getting things done, rearranging our plans or schedules on the off chance of getting to see the person in question, doing out of the way or unusual things to catch sight of them or bump into them, etc. And we all remember the disappointment when they didn’t meet our fervor with equal fervor and frankly, didn’t seem all that into us. In fact, that probably fueled the fire a little. We made up excuses for why they never called us back or why they never approached us. Oh, he’s just shy or Oh, she’s just playing games. And we obsessed. And obsessed, and obsessed.
Now imagine taking this scenario and slapping a huge Ordained By God sign on it. What happens to it? Clearly, it becomes our God given duty to convince this other person we are meant to be, and they just need to understand and be willing to sacrifice everything for us like we have for them! And how does that usually go?
Love is about seeing someone for who they really are and wanting the best for them, even if you can’t provide it. Infatuation is about wanting the other person to provide something for you, whether that be certain feelings, intense experiences, earth-shattering sex, whatever. No matter how intensely out-of-this-world awesome your connection may seem, if you find yourself drawn to it despite some pretty big warning signs or making excuses for it…it may be time to do some serious thinking about this relationship.
Ask yourself some hard questions if you are unsure whether you have a genuine soul connection or simply an unhealthy connection:
- Does this person give you feelings you can’t get enough of, like the highs of a drug?
- Do you define your love of this person by how they make you feel or by what being around them does to you?
- Do you define your happiness by how much you can get of this other person?
- Do you expect this person to do things for you, provide things for you, or be something for you?
- Do you spend a lot of time thinking about what they should be doing differently?
- Do you feel like you should have more of a role in their life than you do?
- Do you feel happy and passionate at the idea of them but disappointed by the actual experience, because they don’t live up to your expectations?
- Do you let them get away with treating you poorly or doing things you would never accept in anyone else?
- Do you make excuses for their feelings, actions, or behavior?
- Do you find yourself disrespecting your own values for the other person?
- Do you deny unpleasant aspects of them while only focusing on the good aspects?
- Do you find yourself in an unbearable amount of pain?
- Are you doing most or all of the work in the relationship? Is the relationship mostly or entirely one-sided?
- Do you suffer with obsessive thoughts and crushing emotions due to the relationship, leading to depression and possibly suicidal thoughts?
- Do you feel like this connection has a supernatural, sacred, or otherwise unworldly aspect to it, and does this compel you to hang on to your partner even when things are not going well? Even when you are the only one who believes the relationship has a spiritual element?
- Do you find yourself pressing your belief that your relationship is sacred or supernatural even when your partner does not agree? Do you use your belief to try to control your partner’s feelings, actions, or behavior?
- Do you make up excuses for your partner’s lack of interest, such as “s/he is just running from the intensity”?
- Do you feel like you need intensity, drama, and emotional insecurity to be happy or to keep from getting bored?
If you answered yes to several of these questions, it may be time to get honest with yourself. Is this a soul connection? It doesn’t matter, because at the moment, you need to focus on your own healing and growth before you can connect with another person. And it is absolutely acceptable to talk to a professional about these feelings if you have them, because these patterns may indicate that something deeper is going on inside you which a professional can help you work through.
All of us run the risk of getting caught in unhealthy emotional dynamics, toxic patterns, and so on. But spiritualists in particular, especially those who are drawn to the concept of twin flames, soulmates, and soul connections, can be prone to getting caught in a cycle. Just because something has spiritual elements to it doesn’t mean it’s healthy for us. Just because something is painful, difficult, devastating, or draining doesn’t mean it’s spiritual.
Am I saying that we don’t face tough stuff in soul connections, or that genuine soul connections don’t hurt (especially when either partner is struggling)? No! Am I saying that genuine soul connections don’t get caught up in unhealthy dynamics? No! What I am saying is this:
An unhealthy relationship is an unhealthy relationship and no label will save it!
Also, remember that you can find the strength to leave behind a toxic relationship, no matter what the spiritual level of connection may be!